Welcome to guelphleaks

Posted June 26, 2012

Outline for a screen play titled: “As the Guelph turns.”

HE: Wow! Is the Mayor ever mad.

SHE: (Sigh), what is it about now?

HE: Seems she heard there was some laughter by staffers over the Mayor’s plan to build a municipal fish hatchery behind the Sleeman Centre as part of the new downtown strategic plan.

SHE: That’s a funny place to have a fish hatchery. There’s no water there. And it’s pretty noisy in the winter.

HE: the story is that staff wanted to put it behind Angel’s deli on Wellington Street. You have to agree it is a little closer to water.

SHE: Yeah, then she could walk upon the water while she eats a smoked meat sandwich. Yum!

HE: You got it! That’s what the staff is laughing about behind her back.

SHE: About what? The walking on the water bit or the pastrami sandwich? This is a joke, right?

HE: Well, the story goes that the Mayor put her ace investigator on the case, the chief administrative officer,, to ferret out the jolly staffers who are spreading the story.

SHE: At least we now know that the Mayor can walk upon the water and chew on a sandwich at the same time…kind of like multi-tasking in a weird way, don’t you think?

HE: It’s probably part of her new 10-year strategic plan. It is described as a world class fish hatchery that will attract “tousands and tousands, maybe even a hundred,”remember it’s an old Newfie expression. You know it’ll get about as much attendance as the Civic Museum.

SHE: I think it’s kind of cute. I can see the headline tomorrow: “ Mayor walks upon water, staff doubles over in laughter.”

HE: Nah, don’t think the Mercury will run it. It’s too, too unbelievable.

SHE: Oh! Ye of little faith. What will we do for entertainment around here? Dodge the bicyclists careering down Norfolk Street? Or check out the salamanders at the Hanlon Business Park? We can always watch them dig up Speedvale for the third time.

HE: Sarcasm will get you everywhere. I’m going to jump in the car with my favourite book and read it in the Baker Street parking lot where the new downtown library is supposed to be built. The excitement of it all sends shivers down my spine.

SHE: Speaking of shivers, did you know it costs more than a million bucks a year to maintain the ice rink in front of city hall?

HE: Really! I heard the new compost plant still isn’t working. Guess our wet garbage is still going into landfill.

SHE:  My aunt Millie called to complain about these big new bins they want us to use instead of plastic bags. She said she can’t manage getting her bit of garbage to the curb, especially in winter.

HE: Well, they are providing three sizes of bins.

SHE: Honey, aunt Millie is in a wheelchair. What’s she supposed to do, put a motor on the bin and drive it to the curb?

HE: Maybe she can get a handy man.

SHE: She wishes!

HE: Is this a great city or what?


Filed under Between the Lines

4 responses to “Welcome to guelphleaks

  1. Ruby

    AAAHHHHH …Newfieisms!
    Lord Thunderin’ Jesus.

  2. Ruby

    Oops. Tunderin’……

  3. paulphelan

    ha ha ha…..too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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